OUR GOURDS (by Cocksure)

This old-school penile enhancement is just the thing for New Age men, prostate cancer survivors, masters of the universe, titans of industry – in fact anyone insecure about the size and/or power of his trouser ferret.
Women enjoy wearing them for novelty or as a practical joke during romantic interludes.
Gourds like these have been worn by the Dani and Yali people of Papua New Guinea for centuries. In legend, this ageless adornment defends the wearer against ghosts, who can enter the living through unprotected orifices.
The craftsfolk at Cocksure don’t guarantee protection from ghosts, but they warrant that their gourds are organically grown, traditionally styled and will not chafe or bind – if properly worn, that is. (Close, really close, extremely careful reading of instructions is highly recommended before trying on).
Will not interfere with peeing on trees during vision quests or manhood recovery weekends. Not for wear in sweat lodges or during conventional acts of love. Spot clean only.
Our Gourds are available in three sizes:

Mighty Sword

Perfectly Adequate


Little Willy


Little Willy-size Gourd will fit most women, though not exactly like a glove.

TRIBAL MAKEUP

More mythopoeic gear from Cocksure: Here is everything you need to make sure your face successfully mediates the tensions between society, nature and the supernatural. May also be used to paint favorite sports team’s colors on self before behaving like rowdy idiot at games. Highly pigmented assortment includes dab-on cream, toner, lip rouge, powder and blood samples of several small animals. Convenient carrying case doesn’t look like makeup kit when closed.

FLAT GLOBE

What with the liberal media's constantly going on about the “curvature” of the earth, it’s easy to forget that the theory that the Earth is round is just that: a theory, nothing more, like evolution or relativity, or the Fifth Man or the possibility that one day our species will be enslaved by space invaders who look like Susan Boyle.
Fact is, we all just assume the earth is round – but how do we know? And while we’re on the subject of what we know, did you know that Christopher Columbus, when not out on the high seas looking for plunder, was one of the most popular party magicians in all Genoa? Did you know that the Apollo 8 cargo hold contained an assortment of black drapes and mirrors that were not on the ship’s manifest and whose presence has never been explained, or even noted?
We at Our Store do not consider it Our place to indulge in metaphysical speculation. We are just pointing out that the whole round earth theory is just a theory, that’s all. Whatever.
We also point out that now you can enhance your living room or den with a concrete symbol of tough-minded skepticism in the face of widely known evidence and, quite possibly, the ridicule of friends and family. The Flat Globe goes with virtually any decor, particularly medieval.

CHIA GRASSY KNOLL by Unindicted Gardens

Is it a knick-knack?
Bric-a-brac?
A tchotchke?
A whatsit?
Well, it’s all of them, and an herb garden to boot. But more than anything else, it’s an opportunity to live your fascination with the greatest unsolved presidential mystery of them all, in real time. And you won’t be alone. The Chia Grassy Knoll is the best-selling member of our Conspiracy Classics Collection.



Don’t be surprised if you’re underwhelmed when your Knoll arrives in the mail. It doesn’t look like much – just a slab of terra cotta, a seed packet and some small plastic figures and buildings with no directions as to where they should go.


Not to worry. Just follow these steps:
• Soak the slab.
• Spread the seeds (choice of Texas crabgrass or Country-Tis-of-Thee herb blend)
• Water regularly.
• Watch it grow.




Recreate in miniature the mysteries you’ve been pondering for years. Test your theories. Is the policeman running towards the putative second gunman or is he inexplicably skipping? Plastic buildings and passersby are accurate to scale and bendable. The Running Policeman is flexible enough to credibly dramatize even the unlikeliest scenarios--including the one that has him skipping). Our Chia Grassy Knoll allows you to continue your investigative ruminations without embarrassing your family and while gracing your home with crabgrass scent or fresh herbs.

The Conspiracy Classics Collection includes:

“Paul is Dead” Chia

Florida Voting Booth Chia

Area 51 Chia (shown with optional flying saucer accessory)

All Conspiracy Classic houseplants come with convenient drip tray.

LAST DAYS PAPER SHREDDER

Famines? Check.

Pestilence? Check.

Earthquakes? Check.

Rumors of War? Check.

Violence, falling away from the faith, Middle East tension and Israel as an independent nation with Jerusalem as its capital?

Check, check, check and check.

Are we approaching the End of Days?
Well, duh!

As the Last Judgement draws nigh (or as the Four Horsemen would say, neigh), more than a few of us will have documents we’d like to get rid of. The Last Days Paper shredder is built to withstand earthquakes, locusts and general apocalyptic wear-and-tear while helping you erase as much material record of gross immorality as you’re able to cram in the hopper during those final hours on earth. It’s a pointless task, given the all-seeing nature of G-d, but who expects to be thinking clearly when the Final Trumpet sounds?

OUR BURQAS(by Dooney and Burqa)

Hunters, fisherman, firefighters and campaigning politicians have worn our clothing for decades, both for its practical qualities and for the aura of competence our clothes confer upon the wearer. Now we are proud to offer our protective clothing for the observant Muslim sportswoman who, we like to imagine, will thank Allah for these sturdily manufactured, completely obscuring garments:


OUR Patriot’s Burqa
Demonstrate where your loyalties really lie without offending your co-religionists or endangering your afterlife situation. An unusual, hands-across-the-cultural-divide gesture in textile form, Our Patriot’s Burqa is made of Egyptian cotton, which is almost as tough and long-wearing as domestic, synthetic blends costing half as much. May be worn to Tea Party events with minimal concern for life and limb. Not advisable for wear in OPEC states.



OUR No. 1 Hunting Burqa
Tightly woven acrylic fabric offers superior abrasion resistance and complete silence while blending into the field or public places. Inside are two side pockets with shell loops and one large waterproof gamebox pocket big enough to hold XBox 360 or Wii console. A zippered media pocket provides ample storage for detonators and prayer accessories.

OUR No. 2 Hunting Burqa (Blaze)
Same fabric and properties as our Camo Hunting Burqa, but without camouflaging characteristics. Wearer is highly visible in just about any environment. Light-weight, light-reflecting finish is not to be worn lightly.

OUR Down-East/Mid-East Burqa
Muslim fisherpersons, oil rig workers and others who deal with wet or windy conditions will appreciate this Islamic variation on Our Traditional Fisherman’s Slicker. Mesh zoning technology, sturdy ripstop weave and tricot neck lining contribute to a garment that is very durable, waterproof, sand-proof and breathable in all conditions from Nor’easter to Sirocco.